Have you ever wondered how best to insert yourself into a narrative? Ever wondered how to convey yourself into a story in which it is impossible for you to lose? Never fear, with this handy dandy guide, you will be on your way to writing the most cringeworthy material possible. Using our five step program, you will be able to transform your nuanced and flawed main character into a bastardised, cringe inducing paragon of virtue. Wish fulfillment of the almost masturbatory variety? You betcha, let’s begin.
1. Hideously traumatic backstory
Nobody has ever been through anything as terrible as your character has. Nobody has ever victim’ed as hard as your Mary Sue. By turning your character into a human disaster factory, you are able to not overcome these emotional issues, but stop your character from ever being responsible for their actions. This will be important to remember for point number five. It is also a great way to explore your own pain. Did your mother yell at you for not cleaning your room? Pour it all out baby, we’re here for you.
Extra points if your character is responsible (or thinks they are) for a loved one’s death.
2. Pinnacle of human beauty
Everyone else can pack up and go home. Your character is the most stunning thing to have ever cried in misery from the pain of existence. However, despite these attractive attributes, your character is often shy and retiring with cripplingly low self esteem. Your character should also look like you, but better. Follow Stephanie Meyer’s example:
You should also be sure to describe your character and their attire in agonising detail. Your readers need to know what your character is wearing at all times!
I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.
“My Immortal” A Harry Potter Fanfiction by Tara Gillesbie
3. Loved by everyone
For no apparent reason your character should be the most popular person in every social setting. Do not give an explicit reason for this and do not make it evident through your writing of the character. It’s important to keep the mystery alive for your readers. Make them wonder why in the world anyone would want to be around your character, let alone every person they’ve ever met.
Please note: Your character should be loved except for that one bitch who is generally hated by everyone and is in love with your character’s love interest. Feel free to use someone you hate as inspiration for this character and make sure to enhance everything that’s dreadful about them.
4. Good at everything
Your character cannot fail. At anything. Ever. And if they do happen to fail, it is always another person’s fault. Probably their arch nemesis mentioned above. There should be absolutely no personal growth through failure. Your character is at their peak and doesn’t need to grow. Also, if your character is learning a new skill they should be better than their teacher after 3 weeks of intense training. For inspiration, please see any movie with a reluctant hero/chosen one theme.
5. Never wrong
Following on from the last point, your character should never be wrong. Your character should be the pinnacle of morality and always the voice of reason. As your self insert, the character should of course share your views and be really preachy about it. Like super preachy. In fact, write out an argument in which your character decimates whoever holds the opposing opinion. Smack that strawman down!
If you have made it this far you should have the basis for an exceptionally terrible and completely unbearable character. Congratulations. Your parents are proud.
Some extras to consider (if you’re a glutton for punishment):
Animals love them
Secret royal lineage
Bugger it, just read Twilight