How to Make an ‘All-American’ Apple Pie


Come the holidays it is best to choose a theme. Sure, they already come with a sort of theme, but we’re all marching towards death and each day holds no guarantee of offering another. So! Layer your themes! Themes on top of themes! There isn’t time to just have a plain old Jesus and small animal themed Easter.

This year we went All-Americana. We couldn’t book a Megachurch, or get our evangelical Pay-for-Pray videos on channel 31 by Easter Sunday. But then I remembered pie! As American as apple pie. Which according to a very disgruntled article I read, isn’t very American. But neither am I, so we’ll have pie.

I’ve got to say it was super easy. And I killed it. This shit was impressive. I was left instilled with a confidence I could only label as American.

First the crust!

Now we can’t all be Martha Stewart, so if you must, just pick up a frozen shortcrust of shame from your local supermarket.

But if you love yourself and your family, here‘s the recipe I based my butter crust on. The only real changes you need to make is to replace the 2 cups pastry flour (which maddeningly doesn’t seem to exist in Australia) with 1 1/3 cups plain flour and 1/3 cups corn flour.

For the filling


  • 6 to 8 tart apples
  • Raw sugar
  • ground cinnamon (to taste)
  • about 3 tablespoons plain flour
  • 3 tablespoons butter inch sized cubes

If you decided to channel Martha, divide your butter crust into two and roll out no thicker than a 1/2cm. Lightly grease a pie pan (if you don’t have one, I dunno, consider how you got to this dark placeor something) with butter and line the pan with one of the crusts. Keep both crusts cooled.


With a store bought crust, just like throw it in the pan or in the trash. Cool the trash.

Preheat the oven to 180 degrees conventional.


Peel and core the apples and slice them about 1/2cm thick .

Add the flour and sugar and cinnamon to taste in a large bowl mix in with the apple slices.


Add the mix to your cooled pie crust or trash pile. Don’t bother trying to arrange neatly, but remember that the apples will shrink when baked, so theres no such thing as too much filling.


Place the other crust over the pan and seal together with a tiny bit of water and crimp the edges with your hands.


Make small vents in the top with a fork or knife (dodgy looking pattern optional) and bake for 1 hour or until golden.


You’ve done it!

Serve warm. And enjoying these final moments of being a dominant power in the kitchen.


Unless you did the shameful pastry thing.


Based on this recipe.


4 thoughts on “How to Make an ‘All-American’ Apple Pie

  1. Since we are heading into winter, do you think there will be any holidays coming up that one can use as an excuse to bake? Or can you just make one up so you have an excuse to get all Martha? By the way, I’m totally stealing your theme. But instead of All-Americana, it will be All-Americana-White-Trash.


  2. Do you have to use freedom apples or will regular apples suffice? Also, does it taste better served on the back of a bald eagle, or should I just use my American flag as a plate?
    That pie does look amazing. I’m stealing this recipe for future dinner parties (Jason Biggs will be strictly forbidden from attending).


  3. This post was incredibly educational/hilarious/drool inducing, and the photographs you included literally caused my stomach to produce a grumble that sounded like ‘pie’. I’ve been wanting to bake apple pie for the longest time, and now that I am inevitably on the brink of the seasonal depression that the bitter Melbourne winter is sure to bring, it seems like the perfect time to comfort inhale some warm, cosy, home-made apple pie. Thank you for inspiring me to procrasti-bake!


  4. I’m a twenty year old university student who can barely make two minute noodles without burning the house down but these instructions were very easy to follow, even for my little lizard brain. With winter coming I’ll have to cook one of these up real soon. Thanks!


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